


Breakthrough

by ankyungbunbae



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Character Growth, F/F, Lots of OT5 Goodness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-31 01:33:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13964490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ankyungbunbae/pseuds/ankyungbunbae
Summary: The image of the four of them crowded around her in a small semi-circle, the light of the candles casting an orange glow over their smiles, and the way Joohyun's eyes had shined. 'I wish for us to always be together like this.'Trainee!Sooyoung struggles to find her way while trying to get Joohyun to open up more. X-Posted to AFF under the same username :)





	Breakthrough

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure what happened here. I was craving something Joyrene, so I wrote down a few scenes that I had imagined from their trainee time and expanded on them a... little bit. 12,000 words of slow, slow character development for Joy and Irene. There's no desperate pining or drama - no sad, one sided loves. Everything's just slow.
> 
> I didn't proofread or have a BETA, so I apologize if there are sentences that don't make sense due to my brain mush.
> 
> Would appreciate any comments/kudos very much :)
> 
> Thank you!

Sooyoung's so nervous. She is doing her best to hide it though, because first impressions can set the direction for the rest of her life. She internally reminds herself that she is the prettiest person in the world, that the staff were all amazed by her voice at her audition. This is where she rightfully belongs to be, and everyone in the room on the other side of the door should _also_ know this when they see her. She reminds herself once, twice, three times before she manages to bring her shaking hand to the doorknob and freezes again.     
    
"I have be the person that I want to be," she says softly to herself while breathing deeply.    
    
Sooyoung's been reading a lot of self-help books lately. She closes her eyes, trying to gather her cool.     
    
"Excuse me-"    
    
A voice behind her startles her just as she is starting to feel ready and her arms go flying up, her back bending as she screams, jumping to the side away from the voice and staring.    
    
"Oh my god!" The perpetrator jumps back too, her lips pressed together tightly, her hand over her chest and her eyes wide.    
    
It takes both of them a few seconds to compose themselves. Sooyoung stares and stares at this girl - just a little smaller than her, but... But _beautiful_. She wonders if the girl can hear the thundering in her chest,  can feel the heat from the tips of her ears. Her confidence drops more and more the longer she stares at this girl.     
    
"A-are you..." The girl gestures to the door. "Are you going in?"    
    
Sooyoung panics and shakes her head quickly, taking another three steps back blindly, as she can't seem to tear her eyes off of the person in front of her.    
    
"N-no I'm not! Go ahead! Sorry!"    
    
The girl hesitates and then nods slowly, pulling her hand away from her chest and reaching for the doorknob. She opens the door halfway, taking another glance at Sooyoung as music pours out into the hallway.    
    
"Joohyun unnie!" Sooyoung hears a voice inside call. "There you are!"    
    
Joohyun steps in quietly, closing the door behind her with a gentle click.    
    
It takes Sooyoung another fifteen minutes to compose herself. When she finally goes in, the instructor pauses the music and introduces her to the lines of trainees that fill the room. Joohyun stands to the far right side, eyes wide with curiosity this time, half her body hidden behind a slightly taller girl with a warm eye smile.    
    
Sooyoung does her introduction coolly - just as she had practiced it - but she avoids eye contact with Joohyun.    
    
When she goes home and eyes the boxes she had packed the week before, ready to be taken away, she thinks of Joohyun - her white skin, dark hair, dark eyes, soft voice -    
    
Sooyoung wonders what she's gotten herself into.    
    
\-    
    
Sooyoung's roommate is nice. She's a small girl with big eyes, a big voice, and even bigger expressions.     
    
"Call me Seungwan! Call me Wendy! Call me unnie! It's fine - it's all fine! I'm so excited that you're here. I've been so lonely by myself in this room. Do you mind that I took the right side? If you want to switch, we can-"    
    
Sooyoung waves her hand politely.    
    
"It's fine, Seungwan unnie. I'll be okay with whatever side." Sooyoung's being careful because, although this girl feels so genuine, she's still wary of strangers and she hasn't quite figured out how she should be acting around her competition. The other trainees are in the practice rooms right now, but Seungwan was allowed to skip for the day to help the new girl move in. Their apartment dorm has a few bedrooms, a decently sized living room, and a small kitchen.    
    
"A lot of the younger trainees still live at home." Seungwan explains while boiling water for some tea. "There are other apartments too, we just have some open spots. The dorm is mainly for those who are older or those who can't go home."    
    
Sooyoung wonders if there's more to what Seungwan's saying, but she doesn't want to push the conversation too much on day one.    
    
They make small talk - mostly Seungwan talking about herself while Sooyoung observes and keeps her going. Seungwan is outgoing in a quiet way, shy in a loud way. She's warm and over shares, tries a little too hard.    
    
"I love to sing," Seungwan answers when Sooyoung bluntly asks why she's here. "I'm no good at dancing - I only started a little bit ago, so I'm the old new girl. But I love to sing."    
    
Seungwan shyly declines when Sooyoung asks her for a demonstration. Sooyoung sips at her tea, clears her throat, and sings for a few moments, but the way Seungwan's jaw drops and the way her eyes shine makes Sooyoung feel so good, so optimistic.     
    
She decides that she likes Seungwan.    
    
They lose themselves in a conversation about music for hours until the front door's lock clunks and the doorknob twists.    
    
"Seungwan-ah, we brought groceries!"    
    
Sooyoung looks up and sees a few girls stepping in and - toeing off her sneakers carefully and placing them into the shoe rack (the only one doing so) - there's Joohyun again.    
    
"Oh," Joohyun says softly, her expression surprised but her voice calm. "Hi."    
    
\-    
    
Sooyoung would like to think that she's adjusting to trainee life pretty well. Her latest self-help book is about having a positive mindset. She tries to keep it in mind when she's receiving vocal lessons, learning how to breathe and when to breathe and how to add strength to her voice. It's a little harder when receiving dance lessons, because she's starting at level one and all the others are so far ahead. How can she just... _jump in_ and get it?  
    
She rants at night to Seungwan, who understands because Seungwan's body sometimes feels like, in her own words, "She has absolutely no joints." Sooyoung is naturally more flexible than Seungwan, but Seungwan can't exactly help her in dance lessons. She reassures Sooyoung that the staff won't be expecting her to have the entire routine down since she joined in the middle of the month, but Sooyoung can't help but feel frustrated.     
    
Her self-help book says that all things fall into place in time. She currently thinks she doesn't _have_ time.     
    
It's been a particularly long day. The company has just transferred her to a different school _and_ she actually has to go - so she's feeling an extra tablespoon of discouraged on top of her usual menu. She feels it in her bones when she misses four counts in a row during the first half a minute of their routine. She's lucky that this is a lesson without their usual instructor, because she'd certainly be set on the grill since she knows she should know that part already. Her body just won't listen today.     
    
Seulgi, another warm unnie who wonders too many simple things out loud and always brings snacks - prohibited snacks - to share with everyone, tells her to sit down and rest for a bit.     
    
"You're looking a little flushed today, Sooyoung-ah!" She says with her silly, warm eye smile, as if she's delivering the best news of the day. Sooyoung's learned to read the worry behind the smile though, and she just nods, thankful at least. Seulgi is an open book and Sooyoung appreciates that - her personality leaves no room for doubts or secrets and Sooyoung trusted her immediately. Although Seulgi's just looking out for her, Sooyoung can't help but feel upset. Seulgi's undoubtedly the best dancer in the room, and Sooyoung has so much further to go.    
    
The music starts again and Sooyoung takes a long drink from her water bottle, forcing herself to gulp it down as she stares at the ceiling. When she looks back down and caps it, she catches Joohyun staring at her.    
    
Joohyun is... strange. They hardly ever talk, so Sooyoung hasn't quite figured out how to read Joohyun. Joohyun's quiet and mainly keeps to herself - but at the same time, she's also everywhere, mingling with everyone. Sooyoung has caught her hanging off of Seulgi, elbows linked together, pressing her face into the back of Seungwan's shoulders, leaving cold bottles of water and zip lock bags of pre-cut fruits beside Yerim's bag. Everyone seems to adore Joohyun and, with a face like that, Sooyoung can clearly see why. But there's something deeper to Joohyun that Sooyoung hasn't been able to figure out, because Sooyoung has only heard Joohyun's voice in passing, engaged in conversations with other people. Sooyoung herself hasn't gathered the courage to speak with Joohyun after their awkward first meeting either, so she wonders if they'll just always be like this.    
    
Joohyun won't look away, so Sooyoung does first. She closes her eyes, leans her head back, and tries not to feel the weight of Joohyun's stare.    
    
Luckily, this is their last lesson of the day and they're free afterwards. The other trainees greet her on their ways out and she nods appreciatively, although she doesn't like to be the center of attention when it's about her weakness and lack of ability. She bites her tongue and just nods.     
    
She's eventually the last person remaining, since she had told Seungwan to go ahead. She's not sure how long it's been - probably only fifteen minutes or so - but the timed lights shut off, so only the natural light keeps her out of the darkness.    
    
The door clicks open and in pops Yerim's head.     
    
"Unnie?" She asks as she flips the light switch on for Sooyoung. "Are you getting extra practice in today?"    
    
Yerim's a good kid with a wide smile and too many jokes. She has too many jokes for someone who's been training for so long. Sooyoung sees it in some of the other trainees who have been there not nearly as long as Yerim (and Seulgi and Joohyun) have - she sees the way their flames are muted now, their actions are robotic, as if they're just cogs being forced to turn each day because the pieces around them refuse to stop. Sooyoung envies her, but also adores her because Yerim reminds her of her own younger sisters. She wonders what Yerim had been doing to find her like this.    
    
"Unnie?" Yerim asks again as she looks at the time on her phone and looks back up.    
    
"Yeah," Sooyoung decides. She hadn't thought about it before, and she's never done it before, but maybe she could use some alone time in the practice room. "It's okay, right?"    
    
Yerim nods.     
    
"The other unnies do it all the time! Just don't forget to turn the light off before you leave or else the teachers will get mad in the morning."    
    
Her phone rings and she picks up, waving at Sooyoung as she steps back and lets the door close.    
    
"Mom? Yeah, I'm coming down right now! Can we get sushi for dinner-"    
    
Sooyoung lets herself rest for another few minutes before she pushes herself to get up and head over to the console. She presses play and lets the familiar song fill the space, but she doesn't quite move. She hasn't been here that long, she tells herself. She can't be feeling burnt out already.     
    
She reminds herself that she can only improve from here.    
    
But she still doesn't move.    
    
There's a knock on the door that startles Sooyoung and she immediately turns down the volume, staring at the door. Another knock.    
    
"C- come in." She tries to say confidently, because despite Yerim saying that it's okay, she still wonders if she's doing something wrong.    
    
Joohyun steps in and Sooyoung finds herself standing up straighter. Of all people stepping through the door, she didn't expect Joohyun. Joohyun doesn't say anything though, closing the door behind her before she walks over to the console where Joy is still frozen stiff.     
    
"Sooyoung-ah," Joohyun says suddenly. Sooyoung wonders if this is the first time she's heard Joohyun call her name. Joohyun gently grabs the volume knob and turns it back up.    
    
"Do you want to practice with me?"    
    
It's like the balloon that had been continuously inflating in her chest, pushing aside her other organs and making her feel suffocated, suddenly pops and she feels herself breathe again. Joohyun had noticed. Joohyun wants to help. Joohyun wants to help her. She knows that Joohyun doesn't need the practice - she's at least the second best dancer - but this is... This is Joohyun's reach out to her.     
    
Sooyoung feels stupid for feeling emotional. She feels the sting of tears, but pushes them back and can only get out a weak nod and a quiet whimper. Joohyun takes her by the hand and pulls her around the console to the center of the room. Joohyun breathes in a loud, controlled manner and Sooyoung finds herself following Joohyun until she feels calm again.    
    
"Alright," Joohyun says with a toothy smile as the song loops again. "Let's start."    
    
_Joohyun's warm_.   
   
-   
    
From then on, it's like she's made it past Joohyun's initial test.     
    
"Unnie's just like that," Seungwan explains one night, when they're both laying on their backs, awake at 1 am. "She is scared of people, so she was just observing you. But once you get to know her... Unnie's really the best."    
    
"Thank god. My life's been so much easier since then."    
    
Sooyoung and Seungwan laugh, but Sooyoung knows how true it is. They all walk home together now and what used to be a silence between them that the others filled in is now full of questions.    
    
"Sooyoung-ah, what classes are you taking?"    
    
"Sooyoung-ah, do you wash your whites separately?"    
    
"Sooyoung-ah, did you eat?"    
    
Joohyun's started playing 20 questions with Sooyoung on their walks home now. Sooyoung wonders if she was eager all this time, but just waiting for the right moment. Now, it feels like the dam of tension has burst and she's being treated to Joohyun's soft touches, her playful punches, her dolphin laughs, and her muffled giggles.     
    
When she wakes up one morning - the only one who has to go to school on this particular day for an exam - she finds Joohyun in the kitchen, a purple apron tied around her waist, humming to herself as she prepares a meal.    
    
A meal that Sooyoung had mentioned craving the other day in passing between lessons.    
    
Sooyoung's suddenly filled to the brim with such affection and she's so, so, so thankful. She wonders how she could have ever thought of these people as just competition. She's trying not to be ignorant - they're _still_ her competition - but she's just-- She knows that not everyone has it as easy as she does.    
    
She wraps Joohyun up in a hug from behind, a hug that has Joohyun jumping in place but Sooyoung's tight hug keeps her grounded.     
    
"Sooyoung?"    
    
_Thank you, thank you, thank you._  
    
\-    
    
Sooyoung's waiting at the entrance with her bag over her shoulder, glancing at her phone, when the others come out. She makes a show of counting them all, but she knows right away who's missing.    
    
"Where's Joohyun unnie?"    
    
Seungwan adjusts the straps of her worn jansport backpack, something Sooyoung has noticed she does sometimes when she's troubled by something.    
    
"Unnie said to go ahead. I think she's going to practice more..."    
    
There's a heavy silence that lingers over them before one of the other girls begins to step forward.    
    
"She said she'll be home for dinner, but that we should feed ourselves first since she won't be cooking tonight. Seungwan-ah, maybe you can make the-"    
    
Sooyoung glances back at the stairs that lean up to the training rooms, her teeth biting at the inside of her mouth just below her lips in thought.    
    
"I'm going to wait for unnie." She decides, interrupting the conversation about today's dinner plans.    
    
"Are you sure?" Seungwan asks, her eyebrows furrowing. "I don't know if that's okay."    
    
Sooyoung doesn't know what that means, but she's sure.    
    
"I'll catch you guys later! Leave me a plate, please!"    
    
She takes off and skips up the stairs, wondering which practice room Joohyun could possibly be in. Today her schedule had differed from Joohyun's, with a lot of focus on individual training, so she isn't quite sure. She begins looking through the window cut outs of each door as she walks by them leisurely. Most of the rooms are dark so she has to look carefully. Halfway down the hallway, she finds a room with music on - the muted noise barely making it through the heavy door. She brings her hands against the glass over her eyes, squinting, and she finds someone with her back to the wall, knees against her chest, and face in her hands.    
    
It takes Sooyoung a moment, but she recognizes the shaking, shuddering motion of the small shoulders as sobbing. She reaches for the doorknob, heart racing, but before she can turn it, someone pulls her from behind, away from the room. Away from Joohyun.    
    
"What-" Sooyoung whips her head around to see who's go her by the elbow. "Yerim?"    
    
Yerim doesn't acknowledge her, just keeps pulling her until they've reached the stairs again.    
    
"What are you doing?!" Sooyoung asks, unable to keep the anger from seeping into her voice. Yerim winces just a little bit, but keeps her face passive.    
    
"It's better if you don't," Yerim says after a moment. Sooyoung doesn't understand and it must be obvious on her face, because Yerim looks at her and continues, her eyes suddenly determined and her eyebrows straight and set. "It's better if you leave her alone, Sooyoung unnie."    
    
It suddenly dawns on her that this is not the first time Yerim's seen this - that Yerim had found her that day while she had been looking. Had Yerim been expecting a sobbing Joohyun on that day? Was this a common appearance? Why weren't they helping? Why weren't they doing anything?    
    
Yerim sighs, runs a hand through her hair, and finally lets go of Sooyoung's elbow - something they had both forgotten about.    
    
"I know," Yerim says, soft and heart-broken. Her expression says that she's tired. "I know, but... It's better to leave Joohyun unnie alone."    
    
Sooyoung doesn't know what to say to that. She looks back down the hallway, half-tempted to make a run for it, but she can't bring herself to move. She's frozen, but why?     
    
Yerim's phone begins to ring and she glances at it for a moment before silencing it.     
    
"Come on, unnie." She tugs at Sooyoung's hand and Sooyoung lets her. "I'll ask my mom to drop you back at the dorm."    
    
Sooyoung goes along with it, but she doesn't understand.    
    
\-    
    
The next day, Joohyun looks the same as always. She looks normal - so normal, that Sooyoung wants to scream. She wants to shake her and ask her why she was crying, why she was alone, and why no one will do anything about it.     
    
Joohyun doesn't stay behind again, but if she notices that Sooyoung's answers to her 20 questions are shorter than usual, she doesn't say anything.    
    
Sooyoung starts to forget about it. She tells herself that maybe it was just a one-time thing (it wasn't), maybe Joohyun would tell her eventually (she won't), but there's no easy way for her to bring it up - no, "Hey, remember that time you looked so incredibly small and heart broken in that dark practice room by yourself and I saw you and walked away? What were you doing?" - so she doesn't.    
    
A little over a month later, Sooyoung grabs her bag out of her locker and looks around the room again. Empty. Looks like she's the last one out. She races down the stairs and does a count. The right number of heads, but no Joohyun.    
    
"Sooyoung?" Seulgi asks, her over-night bag thrown over her shoulder. It's Friday, so Seulgi plans to sleepover. Sooyoung musters up a shaky smile.    
    
"Actually, I think I'll practice a little more today," she says loudly. "I've got some extra energy and want to go over everything again."    
    
The other girls look at her like she's grown an extra head, they nod and turn to start walking out. Only Seungwan and Seulgi linger. Seungwan shifts her weight from her left foot to her right in a nervous dance and Seulgi just looks at Sooyoung blankly.    
    
"Okay," Seungwan finally lets out in a sigh. She takes a step forward, but stops when Seulgi doesn't budge. "Seulgi?"    
    
Seulgi has a thoughtful expression on her face, her lips flat and eyebrows slightly furrowed.    
    
"Are you going to take care of her?"     
    
She says it so quietly that Sooyoung almost doubts she heard it, but she can tell from the way Seungwan jolts that she heard it too.    
    
They all know, she realizes. Her mouth goes dry and she just can't stop thinking, 'Why, _why_ -'    
    
She nods as Seungwan takes Seulgi's hand into her own and tugs on it.    
    
"Good luck," Seungwan whispers and, just like everything else Seungwan says, she means it.    
    
Sooyoung turns and sprints back up the stairs, her heart pounding.    
    
Everybody knows. Everybody knows.    
    
Her mind can't wrap itself around the realization. Everybody knows, but no one does anything. Why? _Why_?    
    
She finds her again - Yerim. She finds her outside the practice room at the very end of the hall, solemn for someone so young. Yerim somehow doesn't look surprised to see Sooyoung, but she only gives her a glance before she grabs for Sooyoung's wrist.    
    
"Wait!" Sooyoung dodges and looks through the window herself. There, again, is that small figure curled up against the wall. She wonders if it's the same song playing too.    
    
Her fingers itch to grab the knob and turn it, but she can't move.    
    
"What would you do?" Yerim asks. Joy tears her eyes away from Joohyun to look at her. "What would you say to her?"    
    
Sooyoung doesn't know.    
    
"She's not broken, Sooyoung unnie. She's strong. She's just tired. Sometimes, she needs to be alone."    
    
Yerim looks like she's tried, but that does little to lift the weight on Sooyoung's shoulders.    
    
"Isn't she too strong?" She questions back, her voice more aggressive than she expected.     
    
Yerim looks shocked for a second, but she nods.    
    
"She is. That's why we can't go in. She'll just bottle up again. She doesn't want us to see her like this... We have to give her space."    
    
Sooyoung looks back in and she wants to go in so badly. She wants to shake Joohyun and tell her to stop being so stubborn - that she doesn't have to hold everything inside, that she can talk to the others. "You can talk to _me_ ," she wants to say. But she can't move.    
    
Sooyoung's a coward too.    
    
\-    
    
Sooyoung nearly trips on Seulgi when she walks out of her room to get more water from the kitchen. Why? Seulgi's sprawled out on the floor, hand cupping her ear.    
    
Sooyoung groans. It's like 11 am on a weekend - AKA way too early for this.    
    
"What are you doing?" she tries to ask amicably, but it's hard to keep her voice from sounding so deadpan.    
    
Seulgi looks up with one of her adorable silly grins and puts a finger to her lips.    
    
"Sssh. Unnie's on the phone!"    
    
Sooyoung suddenly is interested. What could have Seulgi so interested that she's eavesdropping on Joohyun? Her heart pounds as her imagination kicks into overdrive. What could Joohyun, full of secrets, be hiding? A partner? A partner that she's having an affair on? The affair being with a married person who has 3 kids, one adopted and the other belonging to a sibling who died tragically in a roller blading accident? Or-    
    
She drops to the ground too, assuming an army crawl position similar to Seulgi's, and cups her ear. She squints, as if that will help her hearing, and wishes her ears were as big as Seulgi's.    
    
And then she hears it.    
    
Joohyun's soft natural dialect, one that she keeps hidden and buried daily. She's talking to her mom about taxes, Sooyoung realizes, and her imagination, embarrassed, immediately goes on [REST]. Still, the way she's speaking so freely, the intonations and the slang that Sooyoung's only heard in dramas. Her cheeks warm because it's all so cute.    
    
Seulgi's smile grows bigger at Sooyoung's reaction.    
    
"It's nice, right? Unnie doesn't speak like this to us... She's too shy. When she first came to Seoul, she wouldn't say anything besides 'Hello' and 'Goodbye.' She was embarrassed by her Daegu dialect and she had to learn to speak in a Seoul dialect from an instructor... I remember the first time she said a full sentence was when we went out to eat dinner and she had to explain that she didn't want to eat chicken."    
    
Sooyoung lets her head rest on the floor, torn between hoping that Seulgi will continue with more stories of before she came to the company and wishing that Seulgi would stop so that they can hear Joohyun speak more.    
    
Before she can say anything in response, their bedroom door swings open. Seungwan trips over Seulgi's feet and comes crashing down.    
    
"What was that noise- Oh my god, Seungwan?!"    
    
\-    
   
Her first birthday as a trainee comes so quickly. She's happy with the progress she's made so far and she's already fallen into how comfortable she is with her routine and with the people around her. Truthfully, it scares her a bit. She feels like she's seen so many others come and go. The apartment with three bedrooms suddenly only has three occupants: Joohyun, Seungwan, and herself. Seulgi and Yerim often come over, but Yerim's stuck between her younger friends and them, and Seulgi spends most of her week at home, though she likes to sleep over when she can. Sooyoung wonders if they ever get lonely like her, but she knows it's a silly question because the other members have been through so much more than she has. She wonders if she'll get burnt out and return home.    
    
But in moments like these, the five of them in their apartment with a small cake that Seungwan baked, definitely not approved by their dietician, she can't help but feel like she _is_ home. Seulgi's lighting the candles on the table, but she keeps "accidentally" blowing some out when she exhales even though she's keeping her mouth closed. She can't get them all lit at the same time and she's whining and stomping her feet. Joohyun's cackling, and Sooyoung's smile feels like it's going to split her face. It's not until Yerim mumbles, "It's because your nostrils are so big," that Sooyoung loses it and drops to the floor, her stomach in pain.    
    
Joohyun wipes the tears from the corners of her eyes before she takes the lighter from a frowning Seulgi and quickly lights them all.    
    
"It's because the candles are too close together!" Seulgi complains. "I thought you have to click the lighter in between every candle!"    
    
Seungwan helps Sooyoung back up and they all gather around her, the lights shut off. Joohyun has taken the cake off of the table. She holds it in front of Sooyoung and Sooyoung suddenly feels like the tears of laughter she had a few moments ago are bubbling into something much more emotional. She swallows to try to keep it down.    
    
"Make a wish, Sooyoung-ah," Seulgi says eagerly, staring at the candles in amazement.    
    
"It's your favorite flavor," Seungwan says proudly, but then follows it up with a soft, "But I haven't tasted it yet, so..."    
    
Sooyoung puts her hands together for a moment and closes her eyes. She doesn't know what to wish for. There are so many things she still wants in life, but this is not just any wish - it's a birthday wish and it has to matter. It has to count.    
    
She blows the candles out and only has half a second before Yerim digs a finger into the frosting and smears it across Sooyoung's cheek.    
    
"Hey!" Sooyoung screams playfully as Yerim makes a scramble for the light switch as Seulgi and Seungwan head to the kitchen to grab plates and forks.    
    
Sooyoung's left pouting, Joohyun still holding the cake. She has a distant look in her eyes that has Sooyoung nervous, because that look often leads to Joohyun acting in an unpredictable manner and there's nothing Sooyoung hates more than when she can't guess what's going to happen.     
    
Joohyun's finger is wiping the frosting off of her cheek so gently, but Sooyoung can only go from staring into Joohyun's eyes to staring at her small, growing smile.    
    
"When did you get so big?" Joohyun asks, the fondness in her voice overwhelming. Sooyoung has no words.    
    
The image of the four of them crowded around her in a small semi-circle, the light of the candles casting an orange glow over their smiles, and the way Joohyun's eyes had shined.    
    
_I wish for us to always be together like this._  
    
\-    
    
"I won't go in," Sooyoung says before Yerim can pull her away again. They sit in the hallway beside each other, their backs against the wall. Sooyoung starts off with small talk to fill the silence - how was school? Are you actually studying? Do you like school?    
    
Eventually there's nothing left to say.    
    
"Why do you always come to look for her?" Sooyoung finally asks, a question that's been sitting in her throat for a long time now. "You know what she's doing, but you don't go in. So why do you come?"    
    
Yerim thinks about it carefully before she speaks and Sooyoung appreciates that. Sometimes she forgets that, in their immediate families, they're are both the eldest child. The title brings a sort of carefulness with it sometimes.    
    
"I can't help her," Yerim acknowledges to start. "I tried the first time I saw her - I went in and asked what was wrong, but she... She just stopped crying. She wiped everything away as if it had never existed and she changed the topic and I couldn't do anything about it."    
    
Sooyoung encourages Yerim with her silence.    
    
"The next day," Yerim clears her throat, "The next day she was so tired. And I knew it was because of me. I interrupted her and she couldn't let her feelings out because she's so... She's so obsessed with being the eldest. Did you ever notice that?" Yerim turns to look at Sooyoung. "Unnie can't think of herself because she's always thinking of us."    
    
Sooyoung can't find any words to say because Yerim feels right. She wants to fight back, to argue, but she can't.    
    
"Unnie's always thinking of us." Yerim says again. "So we can't go in there. We need to give her space and I- I check on her every time I hear she's staying back."    
    
Yerim looks like she's done talking, but Sooyoung presses her.    
    
"Why?"    
    
Yerim suddenly doesn't feel like an unnie anymore. That's gone and all that's left is a child, one who entered the company at the same time as Joohyun and has been following Seulgi and Joohyun in hopes of finding her dream at the end. Yerim's voice is small when she finally speaks.    
    
"Because I'm afraid that one day I'll check and she'll be gone."     
    
Sooyoung's breath catches in her throat. She's heard of it before - trainees who give up and just stop coming to lessons, just leave at night and never come back. People who can't force themselves to keep chasing a dream. It's never occurred to her that Joohyun could ever be one of those people. Joohyun's strong, Joohyun's talented, Joohyun's beautiful and there's no way she could be anything but a star in this lifetime and every iteration afterwards.     
    
Sooyoung immediately pulls Yerim into a hug and sits her chin on the top of Yerim's head, but Yerim's sobs are so quiet that they don't even echo down the empty hallway, muffled into Sooyoung's sweater. They stay like that until Yerim's phone rings and she pulls away with a shaky smile.    
    
"Let's go, unnie." She says, standing and offering a hand to Sooyoung.    
    
Sooyoung suddenly notices that the muted noise is gone.    
    
"I'll stay a little longer. Thanks Yerim. Get home safely."    
    
Yerim looks hesitant and confused, but she nods. 'I trust you,' her eyes say, and she leaves.    
    
Sooyoung looks inside the little window again. The room is quiet, almost completely dark now, and she can see Joohyun in the far corner, sitting perfectly still.    
    
With less confidence than she'd like, she grabs the doorknob and turns it slowly, thankful that this is one of the few doors that isn't creaky.    
    
Joohyun doesn't look up or acknowledge her as she steps in as lightly as she can. She takes a seat beside Joohyun and scoots closer until she is pressed against Joohyun's side.    
    
They stay like that for another five, ten minutes. Sooyoung deep in her thoughts and Joohyun, arms and face on her bent knees, asleep.    
    
Sooyoung finally reaches across and lifts Joohyun's face until it rests on Sooyoung's shoulders. Sooyoung's been getting taller lately, and she's finding that height different convenient now, for the sake of Joohyun's neck.    
    
One of Joohyun's arms falls between them. Sooyoung presses her palm against Joohyun's, finding Joohyun's tiny hands so warm and comfortable despite everything. She presses and presses, but Joohyun's not waking up anyway.    
    
Sooyoung interlaces their fingers and thinks, 'This is nice.'    
    
\-  

Sooyoung falls into a slump quicker than she had expected. Being optimistic, she had hoped she would never hit her slump - that her trainee days would be smooth sailing and a quick debut. But it hits her hard one day. Her shoulders feel heavy and and her self-help books that she tried skimming through again last night had nothing to say to her. Seungwan takes a quick glance at her in the morning as she dresses.

"Sooyoung-ah, are you sick?"

Sooyoung keeps something dramatic from coming out of her mouth as a natural response. She doesn't feel like joking, but she hates lying.

"Not really. I just don't think I can move today."

Sooyoung understands once again that she's in a completely different world now because Seungwan just accepts it. She brings Sooyoung a cold glass of water, leaves it on her bedside table, and brushes her hands through her hair with her fingers.

"I'll tell the instructors you're feeling sick today." Seungwan says because she gets it. "Please rest a lot, Sooyoung-ie. I know you're going to make it." 

Sooyoung nods, grateful for Seungwan's attention, but stays quiet.

She can't fall back asleep, so she reaches for the ceiling with her right hand, grasping at something that she can't see and then letting it go again. Grasping at something she can't see - letting it go again. She wants to hold onto it and keep it beside her, but she can't resist the urge to let go. She wonders what it means.

Seulgi slips into her room in the late afternoon. Sooyoung's startled by her appearance. She can faintly hear Seungwan talking in the kitchen before Seulgi closes the door. 

"Hey," Seulgi says with a smile, her voice a normal volume that makes Sooyoung herself feel more normal after a day of feeling so fragile. "I heard you were having it rough."

Sooyoung scoots over so that Seulgi can sit on her bed, but Seulgi instead invites herself in under the blankets and smiles at her again, a little more hesitant, but bright all the same.

"It gets really tough," Seulgi acknowledges with a nod. "I've thought about quitting a few times. It hurts to see people go, and it hurts to feel like the last one left..." 

Sooyoung has never thought about Seulgi that way though - because Seulgi's the best of the best and she's bound to make it, no matter what. She doesn't know how Seulgi can't see this, and she wonders if there are things she can see about herself in the same way.

"I can't stop you from leaving. If you want to leave, I'll be really sad. But, you know? If you want to stay, how about we dance together tomorrow?"

Seulgi looks at her with such hope that Sooyoung can't deny her. There's someone here that still wants her around. There's something to look forward to tomorrow. 

The next day Yerim bumps into her in the hallway and drops some bags of candy - Sooyoung's favorite hard fruit candies - onto the floor.

"Oops," Yerim shrugs, looking not at Sooyoung but past her. Yerim gives a nonchalant shrug. "I'll let you carry those for now, but you had better share one with me at least once a day until they run out."

It's so incredibly ridiculous and childish that Sooyoung can't help but laugh, at least eight full bags of candies in her arms that must have cost Yerim at least two allowances. At the sound of Sooyoung's laughter, Yerim smiles too and she gives a salute and skips down the hall when another trainee calls her name.

After lessons are done, Sooyoung meets Seulgi in a practice room and offers her a hard candy, which Seulgi gladly accepts with a confused smile on her face. Dancing like this with Seulgi reminds Sooyoung of another time and another person, but she falls into the music and the movements and her heart feels full again. 

She feels it again: _this is my dream_.

"Are you sure you don't want a ride home?" Seulgi asks again as they slowly go down the stairs. Sooyoung thinks a little fresh air might do her some good to end a day of healing. When she sees Joohyun sitting at the bottom of the stairs, finger twirling her phone charm mindlessly - having not noticed them yet - she knows for certain that she wants to walk home.

"No, it's okay! Joohyun unnie is here to take me home, right?" She purposely says the second sentence louder to catch Joohyun's attention, who stands up immediately and twists to look at them.

Joohyun holds out her hand to Sooyoung, who quickly takes it and pulls their hands down between them, pressed into their sides.

"Yes, that's right."

Their walk home is quiet. Summer's hot this year, so this isn't the refreshing, cool air that Sooyoung was hoping for, but neither of them let go of the other's hand, so Sooyoung can't hide her good mood.

"What were you doing there, unnie?" She finally asks. She knows the answer, but she selfishly still wants to hear it. Joohyun looks like she knows, yet she indulges Sooyoung anyways.

"I was waiting for you." Joohyun presses her fingertips between Sooyoung's and intertwines their fingers together tightly. "We have to go together, silly."

Sooyoung's grateful for the little stepping stones that the others set down for her to make her journey easier.  
   
-

    
Their company will be debuting a new girl group soon. The news catches her off guard because, although she's been waiting for this kind of announcement, to actually hear it from their trainers' mouths makes it real. Everyone starts pushing themselves harder, with the boys wilting away. She feels sorry for them, but at the same time she doesn't have time to feel sorry for them. Suddenly all she can do is practice, practice, practice. She feels like there are eyes in every room, writing notes into their little memo pads that probably don't mean anything, but one of those notes has to mean something, and one of those notes has to make her into a star.    
    
The younger trainees usually train separately for most lessons, but this time the divide is clear. Yerim's the youngest that makes the cut into their class, but that doesn't say anything in particular. The number of members is still up in the air and everyone's tense.     
    
Seulgi's been training for seven years, so she deserves it. More than just deserving it, she's got every quality and she's the best in so many ways - Sooyoung knows she'll make it in. Seungwan sings in a way that could make any rainy day warm and inviting, and Sooyoung knows (everyone knows) that she's worked so hard and given up so much to get to where she is. Together, Seulgi and Seungwan are an unstoppable vocal duo. Their company would be foolish to let them be passed over again. Yerim has the ability to brighten up any room she's in and she's a hard worker - almost five years now - and she's an ideal maknae type. Joohyun is Joohyun and that's enough.    
    
Sooyoung takes a look around the room and suddenly doesn't know where she stands.    
    
She holds this lost feeling close to her chest in hopes that no one else will see it, but when she's standing in front of the vending machine, looking at all the drink options as if they were not all the same brand of water bottle, Seungwan comes up behind her, her hand clasped with Joohyun's, who drags Yerim behind her, who's got Seulgi by the back of the collar of her shirt.    
    
"Hey," Seungwan starts and Sooyoung wonders if she has enough money on her to buy five water bottles. "What's wrong?"    
    
Seungwan usually isn't the type to start a conversation so bluntly - in fact, she usually spends more time off topic than on topic - but a little peek over the shoulder from Joohyun lets Sooyoung know that this isn't just something Seungwan alone was thinking.    
    
Sooyoung tries to press her crinkled bill into the slot, but it goes in and comes back out, rejected. She stares at it and wonders if she's reading too deeply into this. She tries it again but it comes back once more and she feels herself, the tallest amongst them, getting smaller and smaller.    
    
Before she can try a third time, Seungwan has grabbed the bill and Joohyun shoulder checks Sooyoung out of the way to press a crisp bill into the machine. She calmly presses a button without even thinking of it - 'They're all the same brand,' Sooyoung reminds herself - and then hands it to Sooyoung, her eyebrows set in a way that Sooyoung knows means no-nonsense.    
    
Yerim comes closer and Seulgi's still trying to wrestle the collar of her shirt out from Yerim's grip.    
    
"What's wrong?" Seungwan asks again as she pushes the wrinkled bill back into Sooyoung's pocket.    
    
Sooyoung, to her own horror, suddenly bursts at the seams. Her tears won't stop and she has no idea when was the last time she cried like this - earnestly cried. Yerim lets go of Seulgi and they all immediately step forward, crowding her. Seungwan's patting her head and Seulgi's rubbing circles against her back, Yerim's trying to steal the bill out of Sooyoung's pocket, and Joohyun just stares like she already knows the answer.    
    
"I don't want to lose you guys," Sooyoung says, words broken and pressed into the empty spaces between her choking sobs that leave her chest burning. "I don't want anyone to take you away from me."    
    
It scares Sooyoung how attached she's gotten. She hates herself for being this weak, because who will she blame if her heart gets broken?    
    
_Please don't leave me behind._  
    
-   
    
Sooyoung manages to calm down afterwards. The others reassure her over and over again.     
    
"We want to debut with you too, Sooyoung."    
    
The rest is up to her, she knows. It's back to the practice room and she's learned how far she can push her voice until it'll snap, so she's sitting on one of the benches in the back of the room now, drinking water as she observes everyone's individual practices.    
    
Joohyun's been especially anxious since Sooyoung's scene. She wonders if it had never crossed Joohyun's mind before that they might all be separated - she wonders if she's the one making Joohyun anxious, because she's the only one left in the gray zone. Joohyun won't stop moving, won't rest. At the moment, she's pacing back and forth in front of Sooyoung, reciting some lines of the rap they were given to showcase for their evaluations later on. On her sixteenth lap, Sooyoung leans forward and snatches Joohyun as she passes, her arm curling around the front of Joohyun's stomach as she pulls the older girl into her lap. Joohyun lets out a shriek that makes everyone stop but, at the sight of Joohyun struggling against a clearly stronger Sooyoung paired with Sooyoung's victorious grin, they turn back quickly.    
    
"What are you doing! Sooyoung-ah!"     
    
Sooyoung's grin grows bigger and she hugs Joohyun even tighter, resting her cheek against Joohyun's small back.    
    
"Unnie, stop moving. Just stay still for a moment."    
    
Joohyun's so light, it's like she's barely there. Her shoulders so small, her little, playful punches as she bangs her tiny fists against Sooyoung's forearms. She fits in Sooyoung's arms perfectly. Joohyun keeps it up for another thirty seconds before she concedes.    
    
"Hey, when did you start man-handling me so easily?" she whines.    
    
Sooyoung presses her smile into the fabric of Joohyun's hoodie, quiet for a minute.    
    
"Someone has to take care of you, unnie."    
    
-   
    
Sooyoung imagines this is what a person might feel when they're being knighted.    
    
"Joy," she repeats after the staff, testing it on her tongue and seeing how it feels. It's her new name. It's her, now. She looks around the room and sees so many familiar faces. This somehow feels like the peak of happiness for her and she grips it tightly so that it can't slip through her fingers.    
    
Irene. Seulgi. Wendy. Joy. Yeri.    
    
The second they get out of the meeting room, Seungw- _Wendy_ lets out a sigh of relief, as if she'd been holding it in for hours and she shakes her head like she can't believe it. Seulgi immediately moves to the opposite wall, pressing her face into it and covering her face as she begins sobbing. Yerim pokes at Seulgi's stomach and teasers her, but her words are harmless and the way she wraps an arm around Seulgi's waist and lets the older girl drench her shoulder says more than she could ever.    
    
"Sooyoung-ah," She hears and turns her head, suddenly breathless as Joohyun wraps a hand around the back of her neck and pulls her down until their foreheads are bumping.    
    
"It's Joy now, unnie." She reminds her, teasing.    
    
"Joy," Joohyun just mumbles back, a thoughtful expression on her face.    
    
"Irene. Irene... Irene unnie."    
    
"They take turns whispering these names, these new identities back and forth to each other. This is a new start for all of them and there's only so much whispering Sooyoung can take until she scoops Joohyun up into a tight hug, the others leaping over to join in.    
    
-   
    
For Joohyun's birthday, they agree to go out for dinner.    
    
"Birthday girl gets to choose!" Seungwan warns ahead of time, pointing her fingers at Sooyoung and Yerim specifically.    
    
"How did she know we were going to 'gently recommend' places?" Yerim pouts and Sooyoung just laughs and throws her arm over Yerim's shoulders, keeping her close as they walk in the streets to wherever Joohyun has her heart set on.    
    
It ends up being a tteokbokki stand three blocks away from their building. If Sooyoung has walked past it, she's certainly never looked at it, but the way the owner greets Joohyun with an enthused shout lets the others know that this isn't Joohyun's first time.    
    
"Unnie, is this the place we went to before?" Seulgi asks as she claims the seat beside Joohyun, the five of them taking up all the space under the small tent. Joohyun just nods and glances around.    
    
"What do you guys want?"     
    
She orders for them and, even though this isn't the luxury dinner that Sooyoung had in mind, the one she had been saving up her allowance for weeks in order to (attempt to) pay for, the way Seungwan's eyes bulge out at the spiciness and Joohyun's cackle means that it was still the right choice.    
    
After dinner, they go to the river where Seulgi reminisces more about what she and Joohyun used to do on their off days when it was just the two of them. Sooyoung tells herself it isn't jealousy, but maybe just a longing - a wish that she could have been there too to see when Joohyun had fallen off of the tandem bike, or when Seulgi had fallen onto a flower, crushing it, and had spent the next ten minutes apologizing to anyone who walked by.    
    
They find a nice spot where there aren't too many people. Seungwan shakes off the mats that they had rented, flattening them out for everyone to sit on.    
    
"Should I get drinks?" Joohyun asks, eyeing the 7-Eleven to the right side.     
    
"Unnie!" Yerim shouts, mock scandalized. "And here I thought you were a good influence."    
    
Joohyun rolls her eyes but her smile betrays her and she begins to walk off towards the convenience store. Sooyoung's not sure what pushes her, but she finds herself shouting after Joohyun and jogging to catch up to her.     
    
It's a weekday, so the convenience store is nearly empty. Joohyun eyes the shelves and picks up some chocolate milks and water bottles for everyone, paying for it faster than Sooyoung can even pull out her wallet ("Unnie, you paid for dinner too...").    
    
When they step outside, the exit on the far side of the store, Sooyoung suddenly can't help but notice that there's no one around. Her fingers clench and unclench, suddenly anxious, and Joohyun only makes it a step away before Sooyoung's pulling her back and to the side.    
    
"Sooyoung?" Joohyun asks, confusion in her voice as Sooyoung keeps her grip around her wrist - loose, but there - and steps closer. Sooyoung feels it again: that thundering in her chest and the heat in the tips of her ears. Her mouth feels dry, but she suddenly wants to be closer. She has so many things she wants to say, but they want to all come out at once, in the end, nothing makes it out, clogged in her throat, stuck behind her heart.     
    
"Unnie," she says, swallowing. "Unnie, close your eyes."    
    
Joohyun's pupils are dark, but she seems like she can't look away. Sooyoung can't be imagining this, right? This can't be all in her head, right?    
    
"Okay," Joohyun whispers, but she maintains the eye contact anyway, curious as ever. It takes another few seconds before Sooyoung loses her nerve - she can't even bring herself to look down at Joohyun's lips, and she instead brings a shaking hand up to Joohyun's forehead, where she pauses before flicking it gently.    
    
"Ow! What the heck, Sooyoung?!"    
    
Sooyoung laughs because it's the only thing she can do. She wonders if she was also imagining the relief in Joohyun's eyes, even as she rubs her forehead and whines.    
    
\-    
    
"I heard from Taeyeon sunbaenim that this is good idea to have," Joohyun says one night after pulling them all to gather in the living room. They don't have furniture yet, so they sit on the floor in a circle, their knees touching. "These... 'five-minute talks.'"    
    
It's almost funny to see Joohyun trying to hard to push herself into her newly appointed title: leader. Sooyoung wonders if she's never thought of herself as a leader, despite how everyone has always followed her.    
    
"So let's try it. Just... Talk. Anything you want to complain about, or comment about... Your frustrations, worries. Just let them out here." She stops and bites her lip in thought. "Don't worry about ages here, seniority, or anything like that. Let's just be honest with each other, okay?"    
    
Joohyun glances at her phone to check the time and Sooyoung wonders if their talks are always going to start like this - so stifling and almost laughable. She thinks that she does a good job of being honest throughout her day anyway. She wonders if anyone's been holding back.    
    
Surprisingly, it's Seulgi who starts off.    
    
"I'm worried about our debut," she admits. Their debut date had recently been pushed up unexpectedly. Yerim had been "temporarily removed" and their debut song had even changed. The following week, they'll be changing their hair styles and colors. "I don't understand why... Why everything's changing so suddenly now..."     
    
Seulgi's voice gets soft, trails off at the end, and all of their doubts sit between them.    
    
"I think it'll be okay," Seungwan says, nodding to herself and trying to make eye contact with everyone. "You're amazing, Seulgi! You're great at dancing, singing, and you've trained for so long-"    
    
"And what if I let everyone down?" Seulgi cuts in, fragile underneath it all. "What if I've trained for so long and I'm still a disappointment?"    
    
Their five-minute talk ends up going on for at least half an hour, each of them sharing some kind of similar worry and getting feedback and encouragement. Sooyoung, in all her skepticism before, admits that it does feel good to have a time to vent and talk things out. Joohyun seems to agree.    
    
"Was this good?" She asks, although she probably knows the answer already. "Let's make sure to do this again tomorrow. But also - any time of the day, if you want to talk, you guys can always talk to me."    
    
"I love you guys!" Seungwan shouts dramatically, throwing her arms out and squeezing her eyes shut. They all share a laugh.    
    
The following five-minute talks are good too. The times vary in length - their days get longer and longer and the talks get shorter and shorter, but they still make sure to have them and Sooyoung thinks it's a great way to end the night, together in spirit before they all crawl back into their shared bedroom to rest for the night.    
    
It doesn't take long for her to notice that Joohyun never speaks during their talks. Correction - Joohyun never speaks about herself.    
    
It leaves Sooyoung restless during their five-minute talks now. She keeps her eyes trained on Joohyun, who always patiently gives and gives and gives, but never takes for herself. She knows that Joohyun hasn't been able to stay back in the practice room by herself anymore - their managers are keeping a close eye on them and any time in the practice room is for all five- four of them. They all share a single bedroom, so Joohyun doesn't have any space there either. Sooyoung stares at Joohyun, finger tapping against her knee cap, and wonders who's going to break first - Joohyun or herself?    
    
\-    
    
Of course, Sooyoung snaps first. She wakes up in the middle of the night and notices that Joohyun - usually beside her - is missing. She finds Joohyun in the kitchen, heating up some water for herself.    
    
"Unnie," Sooyoung says roughly. Joohyun jumps and twists, hand over her chest and eyes wide in such a way that Sooyoung thinks back to the first time they met. "Unnie, what are you doing?"    
    
"Sooyoung-ah, you scared me." Joohyun breathes before turning back to her cup and the kettle on the stove. "I'm just heating some water. I couldn't sleep..."    
    
Sooyoung waits for her to go on, but she doesn't.    
    
"What are you doing up, Sooyoung?"    
    
Sooyoung isn't in the mood to humor Joohyun's small talk though. Her frustration is brimming, spilling over the top now.    
    
"Unnie, what are you thinking about?"    
    
Joohyun looks taken back. Sooyoung wonders if it's okay to feel even more upset that Joohyun truly doesn't know what she _isn't_ talking about.    
    
Joohyun stutters through her genuine confusion and Sooyoung steps forward, pressing her closer against the kitchen counter.    
    
"Why won't you just talk to us?"    
    
"What?"    
    
Sooyoung can barely keep the growl back in her voice. It's not Joohyun's fault really, but it _is_ and Sooyoung doesn't understand how they can be so similar, but so different at the same time.    
    
"Why. Why won't you just talk to us?"    
    
Joohyun can't find the words to speak, but Sooyoung wants her to so badly that she's willing to wait. The kettle begins to screech and Sooyoung switches the stove off quickly.    
    
"I do." Joohyun says, almost to herself. "I do - I want to. It's just... It's so hard." She looks up at Sooyoung and Sooyoung feels that hot impatience she had before wither away in shame at the sight of Joohyun's watery eyes, so close and not hidden behind thick wooden doors and sad ballads.    
    
" _Why is it so hard?_ " Joohyun asks, but Sooyoung doesn't have an answer. She pulls Joohyun into a hug, arms wrapped tight around the back of Joohyun's head and shoulders.    
    
\-    
    
Sooyoung feels guilty the next morning when she wakes up and Joohyun's missing again. Their night had ended without any words, Joohyun just quietly crying into Sooyoung's shoulder until her nose was red and snotty. Then she had put space between them, a nod of appreciation (or reassurance?), and turned Sooyoung to face the kitchen exit. Sooyoung had looked over her shoulder to see if there was anything else, but Joohyun only stared at her mug of cold water, unwrapping a tea bag, clearly deep in thought. So Sooyoung had left her.    
    
But now, seeing the pillow without a dent, the blankets ruffled just as they were before, and no warmth on the sheets, Sooyoung wonders if she's pushed Joohyun too hard.    
    
She finds Joohyun in the laundry room, humming to herself and acting so normal as she irons Sooyoung's school uniform. Sooyoung is hit by a wave of emotions when Joohyun looks at her with a light smile.    
    
"I'm so sorry," Sooyoung whimpers, everything settling into place for her now that the height of her emotions has passed. "I'm so sorry, that was - I don't know what I was thinking and-"    
    
"Hey," Joohyun says with a small, genuine smile that could melt people over and over, a slight tilt of her head. "It's okay. I know you care."    
    
Sooyoung can only nod helplessly because "care" feels like such an overly simplified word for how big the emotions she carries in her heart are.    
    
"And thank you."    
    
Sooyoung takes it as a step forward.    
    
\-    
    
"So," Yerim starts, pausing to take another lick of her ice cream. Sooyoung glances over Yerim's school uniform, the way she looks so natural and free versus Sooyoung, whose hair is in a messy bun, green tips hidden beneath a large cap. The mask on her chin rides up sometimes when she's trying to eat her ice cream and she wonders if there's a mess on it too. "What color hair do you think I'd have if I were in this promotion?"    
    
Sooyoung pauses, unsure. Joohyun is pink, Seulgi is yellow, Seungwan is blue. What colors are left? There are so many, but...    
    
"Purple, maybe?"    
    
Yerim looks at her carefully for a moment in a way that has Sooyoung anxious, but then she smirks in a way that has Sooyoung _extremely_ anxious.    
    
"So I'd be Joohyun unnie's favorite then?"    
    
Oh. _Oh_.  
    
"Maybe brown instead," Sooyoung mumbles instead, looking down at her cone. "Like a really terrible diarrhea brown."    
    
Yerim lets out a hyena cackle and Sooyoung finds herself smiling along.    
    
"Seriously, when are you going to join us, Yerim?" As nice and great all the unnies are, and as much as she enjoys being babied by them, she misses Yerim a lot too.    
    
"I don't know yet. Sometime soon, right?" Yerim bites into her cone with a satisfying crunch, chewing in thought. "And you... When are you confessing to Joohyun unnie?"    
    
Yerim had been the first to know. When, exactly, Sooyoung isn't sure, but she had mercilessly dropped the bomb on Sooyoung one day when they were walking to her mom's car and Sooyoung had been left paralyzed. Sometimes, Sooyoung wonders if Yerim knew before she herself did.    
    
("It's not a big deal," Yerim had said, shrugging. "Joohyun unnie's so pretty. I think she's gotten a thousand confessions in her lifetime, and I'm sure half of them were from girls. Besides, I think she likes you too.")    
    
Honestly, looking back on it, a confession had been what Sooyoung wanted to give that night on Joohyun's birthday. She hadn't known it then, too choked up, but afterwards, she had realized and hated herself for not practicing or having more confidence. But how can she have confidence when it's Joohyun that she likes?     
    
"I don't know," Sooyoung sighs, watching melting ice cream run down her cone and drip onto the table. "Sometime soon, right?"    
    
Yerim just shrugs.    
    
"Knowing unnie, you've got all the time in the world."    
    
Sooyoung frowns because she hates it when people are cryptic.     
    
"What's that supposed to mean?"    
    
Yerim's ice cream is finished, so she reaches for Sooyoung's melting mess and takes it from her. She smiles as she begins to eat it.    
    
"Joohyun unnie doesn't change easily. It means you can take your time."    
    
\-    
    
"It's so cold!' Joohyun squeals as she hops out of the van, her knees shaking as she wraps her arms around herself.    
    
Seungwan offers her jacket but Joohyun refuses, taking a step back every time Seungwan steps closer. Sooyoung imagines she can see the steam coming out of Seungwan's ears, but Joohyun just hops further back and sticks her tongue out.    
    
"We can't have our main vocalist falling ill, right?"    
    
Seungwan chases after Joohyun as best as she can in the snow. Joohyun squeals and hops for the entrance of the building where their next radio show is being held. Sooyoung can't help but smile at them, two tiny idiots waddling around in the snow.    
    
A warm hand takes hers and pulls on her as Seulgi makes it out of the van.    
    
"Sooyoung-ah, are you ready?"    
    
Sooyoung nods and lets herself be pulled in, leaning back to make it difficult on Seulgi who doesn't give up.    
    
"Hey!!! What are you doing!!"    
    
Sooyoung can't imagine her life without these people.    
    
\-    
    
Yerim crawls into her bed one night. Well, actually, Yerim slams her pillow down on top of Sooyoung's face and jolts her awake before telling her to scoot over.    
    
"Yerim?" Sooyoung croaks out, confused. "What are you doing here?"    
    
Yerim fits back into their lives so easily, the puzzle piece that was missing, misplaced, and returned again. Yerim curls against Sooyoung in a way that has Sooyoung instinctively wrapping her arms around her, although she's still groggy, confused, and borderline grumpy.    
    
"I'm giving unnie space," Yerim explains quietly. Joohyun had been in a single room by herself before and had complained about the loneliness until Yerim had finally moved in.    
    
("Unnie doesn't like to _always_ be alone, you idiots," Yerim had scolded her three unnies before choosing herself to be Joohyun's roommate.)    
    
Sooyoung doesn't understand how to give someone space, but not too much space. Yerim's words are like a cold bottle pressed to her neck, waking her up. It's been a long time since she's thought about that Joohyu -, the old Joohyun left in the training rooms, alone. They've been so busy and so happy that it feels as if that Joohyun was just a dream.    
    
"Is she doing okay?" Sooyoung asks a little too loudly after some awkward moments. Seulgi lets out a loud snore from across the room, but otherwise doesn't wake up. "Was she crying?" Sooyoung tries asking again, softer this time.    
    
"No," Yerim mumbles back, sleep at the edge of her mind, spreading across slowly. "But I think she needs to."    
    
The next day Joohyun calls them to their new living room for a five-minute talk. They haven't had one in a while, not since changing apartments. Their new apartment is nicely furnished, so they all take a seat on the couch or one of the love seats. Sooyoung kind of misses the way their kneecaps touched and the way it felt like their secrets could never get past the barriers they were building for each other. Sitting like this almost feels too open. She sees the way Joohyun glances over at them and hesitates too. She must be thinking the same.    
    
"I'll start," Joohyun says in a way that catches them all off guard. Suddenly they're all moving, scooting closer to Joohyun, who is seated in the middle of the couch, so that all five of them can five together. It's not quite the same in that they can't hold eye contact with each other, but their interlinked arms, shoulder to shoulder, makes Sooyoung feel infinitely better about it at the same time.    
    
"I've been having trouble sleeping," Joohyun starts and they fight over each other to give her advice, to give her comfort. They're all so happy to listen, so eager to help, and Sooyoung's so proud.    
    
Joohyun pulls her arm out from between Sooyoung's elbow without looking as Yerim is energetically explaining, hands flying everywhere, how she once read a blog that said three spoons of mayonnaise and a squeeze of lemon cures insomnia when microwaved for 12 seconds and-    
    
Sooyoung is distracted, a little hurt, but then she feels Joohyun's arm settle around her back, a hand tapping against her waist as she listens patiently and Seulgi asks genuinely curious questions about the way a fork has to be used to stir the mixture while Seungwan looks extremely concerned.    
    
Sooyoung buries her face into the crook between Joohyun's head and shoulders and tries to hide her smile.    
    
Joohyun's trying.    
    
\-    
    
Sooyoung's not sure when she fell in love with Joohyun. She doesn't think it's possible for her to pinpoint an exactly moment or time frame, because it feels like she's been slowly gravitating closer and closer to Joohyun since the beginning, just staying within orbit. There isn't a single thing that's made Sooyoung love her either, but just the way she is. She doesn't feel like she's suffocating because Joohyun makes her feel like she can breathe, can _continue_ breathing even when things are just so difficult.     
    
But she's sure she loves Joohyun.    
    
She tries to explain this to Seulgi, Seungwan, and Yerim one night at home, when they're watching Joohyun on the television, MC-ing for a music show. She's never really "come out" to Seulgi or Seungwan, but she has had a feeling that they have known for a while. Their lack of shock confirms this.     
    
"I think unnie's easy to fall in love with," Seulgi agrees, stealing some more dried mango pieces from Seungwan's snack pack.     
    
"She _is_ the best woman of this generation," Seungwan adds on, slapping at Seulgi's hand that comes back for seconds despite the fact that she hasn't even finished chewing yet.    
    
Sooyoung doesn't know if she likes girls exclusively, or if she's bisexual. Impatient as always, she's been wanting to stick a label on herself, but she runs in circles mentally because she's never felt so strongly about a person before. She doesn't have any other cases to compare Joohyun too - she only has Joohyun.    
    
"Does that make sense?" She asks as Seulgi gets up to switch the channel to a movie since Joohyun's done.    
    
"Yeah, I get it." Yerim nods as she plops back down, holding a hot, freshly popped bag of microwave popcorn by the corner.    
    
Joy is embarrassed by how hopeful she sounds when she asked, "Do you really?"    
    
"No," Yerim grumbles, grabs a small bunch of popcorn, and shoves it into Sooyoung's open mouth. "It doesn't have to be so complicated, you idiot."    
    
Maybe Yerim's right. Maybe Sooyoung doesn't need to have a label for herself.    
    
She falls asleep and wakes to Joohyun lifting her arm up. She watches with one eye open as Joohyun drapes Sooyoung's arm over her shoulders and snuggles into Sooyoung.    
    
"What movie is this?" Joohyun whispers, somehow knowing that Sooyoung's awake without even looking. Joohyun's washed all her makeup off already and, with the glow of the television resting on her, she looks so soft, so unreal.    
    
"I don't know," Sooyoung admits. Her thoughts had run her in circles and worn her out. She must've passed out within the first ten minutes. Joohyun doesn't respond and Sooyoung watches the way her eyelids droop. She catches herself a couple times, blinking quickly when she's just on the edge of tipping over, but eventually she gives in.    
    
The credits are rolling now, but Sooyoung still misses the movie title because she hasn't taken her eyes off of Joohyun.    
    
"I don't know, but I know that I like you."    
    
\-    
    
"Sooyoung-ah," Joohyun calls, a hand cupping Sooyoung's cheek. They've been so busy preparing for their comeback next week, reading scripts, and rehearsing lines, explanations, and such, that it feels like it's been a long time since someone's called her by her real name. She leans into Joohyun's palm, keeping her eyes closed as she nuzzles into the warmth. There's a soft laugh. "Sooyoung-ah, are you drunk?"    
    
It's Sooyoung birthday today, and she's officially legal. Practice had let out early and they had rushed home, calling all of the delivery foods that Sooyoung had been "hinting" at for a week while in the car so that they'd arrive just as they got home. Seulgi had pulled out a couple of bottles of soju, smiling brightly and expecting praise.    
    
"I'm the cool unnie, right?" She had asked with a giggle. They'd poured each of them a shot into little paper cups that Seungwan had to get from the convenience store downstairs, since Seulgi had forgotten about those. Sooyoung thinks of the way it had burned going down, of each of her tiny little unnies' grimaces, and had asked for a little more while Yerim sipped her cola.    
    
Sooyoung's tolerance is higher than she expected. Seungwan had tapped out after a few drinks and Seulgi, although she never formally "gave up," had become so red from her toes to the tips of her ears. She had passed out underneath the dining table. Yerim had gone to sleep an hour ago, calling them all, "Incredibly boring drunks."    
    
That left Sooyoung, sitting on the kitchen floor with a cup of water in her hand, and Joohyun unnie, who had matched her for every drink. The pink that is scattered across Joohyun's cheeks makes Sooyoung want to kiss her.    
    
"I'm not drunk," Sooyoung says. She isn't really - she's just physically exhausted after a very drunk Seulgi had challenged her to eight hopscotch games. Her mind still feels alright - maybe just a little more free than usual.    
    
Joohyun smiles and that's when Sooyoung notices that Joohyun's kneeled down beside her in a way that can't be comfortable, bare knees against the cold tile.    
    
"Unnie," she warns, thinking of how Joohyun's been complaining after all the intense dance practices they've had. "You shouldn't be crouching like that. You'll hurt your knees and-"    
    
"Hey, Sooyoung." Joohyun has an urgency to her voice that shuts Sooyoung up right away, her eyes skipping from Joohyun's knees to her lips to her eyes, to her lips again. "Look at me."    
    
Sooyoung obeys, because listening to Joohyun is something she does well.    
    
"Now close your eyes."    
    
Sooyoung hears her own voice echoing in her head, a memory of some time ago. She wants to fight it, to keep them open like Joohyun had as an act of defiance, but she can't resist. Her eyes flutter closed.    
    
"Good," Joohyun whispers. There's a pause and Sooyoung wonders if Joohyun's going to back out of this the same way she did. She wonders if she's second-guessing herself the same way Sooyoung does every other day. Joohyun sighs and Sooyoung gets shivers because she can _feel_ it - Joohyun's so close now. "Happy Birthday, Sooyoung."    
    
She leans forward, hand still cupping Sooyoung's cheek, and they kiss in such a soft way. Sooyoung thinks this isn't like kisses in dramas, this isn't like romance she reads in novels. This is her heart stopping, her lungs screaming in protest as Joohyun pulls away after a brief moment, and her eyes opening quickly as she reaches for Joohyun's shirt and keeps her locked in. So, so close. Her eyes run between Joohyun's lips and Joohyun's eyes and there's a laugh shared between them because they both know.    
    
"Unnie," Sooyoung finally is forced to ask, because Joohyun won't say anything and yet Joohyun hasn't moved any closer. "Unnie, do that again."    
    
Joohyun relents and gives Sooyoung a series of soft kisses that leave her pouting, wanting Joohyun to just stay close. In between her kisses, she smooths her words to sink into the gaps.    
    
_Sooyoung-ah, I like you too._

_-_

Change comes slowly, but at least they're _trying_.


End file.
